Choosing joy
Daniel and I have about a month to go until our wedding. It seems as though it is the light at the end of the tunnel for this season, but I also understand that it is just the beginning.
All of my sisters can attest that these last few months have been one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I've been too exhausted to even try to process it in words, which for the most part, explains my silence and caveman-like dwelling.
When Daniel and I first got engaged in January, we had a very clear plan of what was going to happen and how we were going to do it. We would move up to Orange County to be with our church community, I would be at Fuller Seminary and Daniel would find a job that paid enough for us to be comfortable. Never mind the possibility I wouldn't get into the program (because obviously EVERYONE gets into a Christian Seminary). We were so confident that we planned our wedding around my grad school expectation date, and everything was according to my timeline. Not once did I seek God for His will and His plan.
When people would ask, what do you do? I would proudly lift my shoulders back and say, "I am planning on going to grad school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist". And each time the other person would be elated and say, "Wow, I can definitely see you doing that. How awesome." And I would agree. I felt accomplished, simply because I thought I knew what I wanted to do.
And, of course God had a different plan.
When April rolled around and I was supposed to receive my acceptance into Fuller, I received a short, dry email instead:
"Dear Heidi, this year we had an influx of applicants for our Marriage and Family program. Though we cannot offer an official acceptance at this time, we are delighted to offer you a position as an alternate. We will notify you if your status changes later in May."
I immediately began to break down.
Not because I felt the sting of not becoming an MFT, or even the fact that I wouldn't attend Fuller... I began to slip into depression, because I suddenly realized that I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what I would tell other people. Kind of sad, right? I know, I know..
In that month, God began to illuminate the fact that I had been allowing my identity to be formed around this "idea" of who I wanted to be, rather than the truth of who I am in Christ. My worth had once again been entwined in something other than Him. This was revealed through the fact that I was extremely distraught and felt less of a person, simply because I got wait-listed. I felt like I was a failure.
By the time May rolled around, God gave me the grace to accept that He was closing this door. Perhaps just for now, or perhaps forever. Either way, I realized that the main reason why I chose to pursue an MFT, is because I have a passion for covenant: it seemed like the most logical next-step. I realized also that it would also be very un-wise for me to enter a program (especially as expensive as Fuller) when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. So, I let it go, and I began to see once again that my worth is not what I do or don't do, but simply in the truth that Christ loves me and saved me. That I am not a failure, and never will be.
From the wisdom of Tumblr, I read this quote:
“My darling, you are allowed to fail without being a failure. You are allowed to make mistakes without becoming one. More opportunities will present themselves, you will find hope again.”
I allowed myself to dream with God again. Instead of merely capping it at an MFT, I began to hope with Papa, and learn to trust Him. What did I want to present to God, now? What about at the end of my life? How did I want to glorify Him in the present and future? How can I make Him famous?
Next, God gave me opportunities for me to learn how to trust Him.
Which is a fancy and delusional way of saying: my life felt like it was falling apart.
This is what happened in a nutshell: I sent out over 70 applications for jobs, and received 1 email back. I was leading Orthopraxis and felt like I wasn't a good leader, while my friends were thriving in their groups. My student debt was taking most of my resources every month. I didn't know where Daniel and I were going to live after our wedding. Neither of us have secured jobs. I didn't know how we were going to pay for our wedding. I lived in constant comparison with other people's timelines. Daniel and I would bicker, and I would try to have a sense of control in the relationship--be it physical or emotional. Things from my past would come up, and I would feel like I was still the same person. I felt that His grace over my life had dried up.
There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, and even more mornings I would wake up when it was still dark and allow anxiety to permeate each cell in my body. It sounds over-dramatic, but there were many thoughts of "Can I just end it?" "If I died, would there even be a ripple in the world?"
Don't judge me. It was really hard. I think my eyes are still swollen.
One weekend, I finally opened up about it to our fellow intercessor friends. They began to break off anxiety, debt and stress. And almost immediately, I felt the weight lift off my heart. I started to see this season as one of joy and adventure. I had been motivated by anxiety for so long, that I didn't know how to be motivated by grace.
And still God began to speak to me tenderly in this place. He began to craft a new song on my lips. I recalled His faithfulness and His promises. (You always hear that phrase of "Despite your circumstances, He is faithful"...which is really nice sounding and what not, but it also doesn't make sense until the poop is up to your nose.)
Fast forward to the present. T-minus one month until our wedding. I still don't know how we're going to pay for the wedding BUT God has been so kind in helping us find cheaper vendors, wedding bands, and inspiring others to help us out financially in their services. My student debt is still here BUT I get to steward that over the next decade, month by month, year by year. I don't know what I want to do as a career officially, BUT what I am certain of is this:
He remains Faithful. He remains Trustworthy. My identity never falters despite what I do or who I become. Joy is a choice that I get to choose each day. He is good, even when my weak heart feels like life is not.
And this is an opportunity to remember His faithfulness. Day by day, year by year.
All of my sisters can attest that these last few months have been one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I've been too exhausted to even try to process it in words, which for the most part, explains my silence and caveman-like dwelling.
When Daniel and I first got engaged in January, we had a very clear plan of what was going to happen and how we were going to do it. We would move up to Orange County to be with our church community, I would be at Fuller Seminary and Daniel would find a job that paid enough for us to be comfortable. Never mind the possibility I wouldn't get into the program (because obviously EVERYONE gets into a Christian Seminary). We were so confident that we planned our wedding around my grad school expectation date, and everything was according to my timeline. Not once did I seek God for His will and His plan.
When people would ask, what do you do? I would proudly lift my shoulders back and say, "I am planning on going to grad school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist". And each time the other person would be elated and say, "Wow, I can definitely see you doing that. How awesome." And I would agree. I felt accomplished, simply because I thought I knew what I wanted to do.
And, of course God had a different plan.
When April rolled around and I was supposed to receive my acceptance into Fuller, I received a short, dry email instead:
"Dear Heidi, this year we had an influx of applicants for our Marriage and Family program. Though we cannot offer an official acceptance at this time, we are delighted to offer you a position as an alternate. We will notify you if your status changes later in May."
I immediately began to break down.
Not because I felt the sting of not becoming an MFT, or even the fact that I wouldn't attend Fuller... I began to slip into depression, because I suddenly realized that I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what I would tell other people. Kind of sad, right? I know, I know..
In that month, God began to illuminate the fact that I had been allowing my identity to be formed around this "idea" of who I wanted to be, rather than the truth of who I am in Christ. My worth had once again been entwined in something other than Him. This was revealed through the fact that I was extremely distraught and felt less of a person, simply because I got wait-listed. I felt like I was a failure.
By the time May rolled around, God gave me the grace to accept that He was closing this door. Perhaps just for now, or perhaps forever. Either way, I realized that the main reason why I chose to pursue an MFT, is because I have a passion for covenant: it seemed like the most logical next-step. I realized also that it would also be very un-wise for me to enter a program (especially as expensive as Fuller) when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do that for the rest of my life. So, I let it go, and I began to see once again that my worth is not what I do or don't do, but simply in the truth that Christ loves me and saved me. That I am not a failure, and never will be.
From the wisdom of Tumblr, I read this quote:
“My darling, you are allowed to fail without being a failure. You are allowed to make mistakes without becoming one. More opportunities will present themselves, you will find hope again.”
I allowed myself to dream with God again. Instead of merely capping it at an MFT, I began to hope with Papa, and learn to trust Him. What did I want to present to God, now? What about at the end of my life? How did I want to glorify Him in the present and future? How can I make Him famous?
Next, God gave me opportunities for me to learn how to trust Him.
Which is a fancy and delusional way of saying: my life felt like it was falling apart.
This is what happened in a nutshell: I sent out over 70 applications for jobs, and received 1 email back. I was leading Orthopraxis and felt like I wasn't a good leader, while my friends were thriving in their groups. My student debt was taking most of my resources every month. I didn't know where Daniel and I were going to live after our wedding. Neither of us have secured jobs. I didn't know how we were going to pay for our wedding. I lived in constant comparison with other people's timelines. Daniel and I would bicker, and I would try to have a sense of control in the relationship--be it physical or emotional. Things from my past would come up, and I would feel like I was still the same person. I felt that His grace over my life had dried up.
There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, and even more mornings I would wake up when it was still dark and allow anxiety to permeate each cell in my body. It sounds over-dramatic, but there were many thoughts of "Can I just end it?" "If I died, would there even be a ripple in the world?"
Don't judge me. It was really hard. I think my eyes are still swollen.
One weekend, I finally opened up about it to our fellow intercessor friends. They began to break off anxiety, debt and stress. And almost immediately, I felt the weight lift off my heart. I started to see this season as one of joy and adventure. I had been motivated by anxiety for so long, that I didn't know how to be motivated by grace.
And still God began to speak to me tenderly in this place. He began to craft a new song on my lips. I recalled His faithfulness and His promises. (You always hear that phrase of "Despite your circumstances, He is faithful"...which is really nice sounding and what not, but it also doesn't make sense until the poop is up to your nose.)
Fast forward to the present. T-minus one month until our wedding. I still don't know how we're going to pay for the wedding BUT God has been so kind in helping us find cheaper vendors, wedding bands, and inspiring others to help us out financially in their services. My student debt is still here BUT I get to steward that over the next decade, month by month, year by year. I don't know what I want to do as a career officially, BUT what I am certain of is this:
He remains Faithful. He remains Trustworthy. My identity never falters despite what I do or who I become. Joy is a choice that I get to choose each day. He is good, even when my weak heart feels like life is not.
And this is an opportunity to remember His faithfulness. Day by day, year by year.
This is encouraging to read. It is encouraging because you continue to put your trust in God even when things do not go as planned. Thank you for writing this post.
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