When I found out you were a girl

Dear daughter,

I hope you know that what I'm about to say has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. When I found out you were going to be a girl, there was a pang of anxiety. 

I secretly knew all along that you would be a girl. Since the beginning. But I only thought of boy names... like I was in denial or something.

I was afraid.

At least if we were having a boy, I could rely on your dad to show him the ropes. You know, your dad is pretty remarkable. 

But for me, I'm still trying to figure it out. 

How to be kind.

How to be confident.

How to be brave. 

How to be loving. 

How can I teach you to be these things if I'm still trying to figure it out? 

One thing you've already taught me is grace and patience. 

Grace for myself - to trust in God's sovereignty. Patience - to know it's not about perfection, but about the process. 

You've been growing so well inside, and I don't even have to do anything. God is knitting you together in my womb - whether I'm sleeping or eating or walking or working. I'm learning to take it one day at a time.