Esau
I feel like I'm always writing about sex.
Some sisters I meet up with tend to tell me that they relay my Tumblr blog to other friends who are struggling with temptations or physical boundaries in relationships. On the one hand, this sort of made me fear that I was being perceived as a horny corn dog...on the other, I'm realizing that there just isn't enough candid dialogue in the church about sex.
Which is a grave disappointment, because we excessively consume concepts of "intimacy" from music, movies, friends, magazines and books. Our culture spoon feeds us the idea that sex is casual and natural. It's what makes us 'human'. We've become indifferent to it, and then we begin to raise fingers to blame for the rape culture or child abuse.
Many times, as believers we stand aloof and shout abstinence-- acting as if we would never be a part of anything so crass. Waiting to have sex has now become easily equatable to the chalky sterile, unpainted walls of a waiting room at the dentist. We have completely forgotten or ignored the beauty and passion of intimacy with the Author of Love, Himself.
With that said, even if I fear that I'll seem like some sort of sex-crazed loonie, I think this is something we need to talk about.
Here are some thoughts that help me to sustain my heart to be satisfied by the King, and not by my desires.
1. Accountant mentality vs. Editor mentality
What if in our weekly meetings with our "accountability" partners, we stopped keeping one another accountable: "I will text you every 9pm to make sure that you guys are not touching each other or engaging in sexual activity"
What if instead, we helped one another see and become the men and women we are in God. Deal with the root of the issue.
"You guys are a God-glorifying relationship. What is it that you think is driving this sort of behavior?"
As an editor, you seek to help your sister/brother to write a story that best reflects who they are. (An idea I've adapted through discipleship at my church).
Daniel and I have been together for almost two years and have not had sex. (I know...right) This is not because we are holier than thou or exceptionally spiritual. It's because we have an army of editors in our lives who remind us constantly, "Hey, we're rooting for you guys. Keep fighting" or "There's this part of your story that doesn't sound like your voice...why do you think this is?"
We don't have numerous accountants who keep tabs on how late we're out or where our hands have wandered or how long we kiss. We have people who love us and affirm us in who we are as individuals, and as a team..for God and for His kingdom. That helps us to be honest and candid with our temptations, in front of God, and with our community. There is no shame, only grace.
2. Understanding that identity is in Christ
And not in the other person.
As a woman, I know what buttons to push on my man. I am ashamed to admit, that in moments of weakness, I push these buttons in order to elicit a response from him.
Prior to salvation, I used to employ this 'physical currency' to buy affection, adoration, and to feel beautiful. I used to buy into this lie that "When he lusts after me, I am beautiful/loved", therefore I would trade my body for feelings of worth. But of course, that feeds the cycle of feeling gross afterwards, feeling more worthless, and so on and so forth.
But, when my worth is in Christ, I find that it becomes less-appealing to treat Daniel this way. Because, I am assured in my identity as a Daughter. I see that Daniel is not some kind of object to pull worth from, but a cherished son of God. And vice versa. Daniel does not feel the need to assert his masculinity or feelings of control by using and disrespecting my body.
When I embrace that I am cherished by the King, then I can love others and respect them. I can respect myself and honor my heart and body as well.
3. Marriage is Fire
And relationships are for sanctification.
I feel like we tend to view relationships as a breeding ground for temptation and lust. I'm guilty of this too, in thinking about "I wonder if they've done it...." or "I wonder how they're fighting against temptation.." You do it too. I'm not a freak.
When instead, the basis of marriages and relationships is to sanctify one another. Paul commands husbands to "love your wives as Christ loved the church....that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
that she might be holy and without blemish." (Ephesians 5: 25).
What if our relationships looked more like this? Walking in holiness and love and grace. Cleansing one another through the washing of the Word... that one another would be holy and without blemish.
I get it though, it's a difficult fight. I completely understand. I remember my pastor said once, "I HOPE you're attracted to one another...if you weren't why would you be together...". Like I said, Daniel and I aren't completely innocent, we have our fair share of bruises and scrapes from stumbling and getting back up. But in it all, when we remember that our relationship isn't just for ourselves, but the glory of God...it helps to equip us in our pursuit even more.
My pastor Janette did a great sermon on holiness as well. You can find that here. ("Holy in the Flesh")
4. Avoiding the "Esau-Syndrome"
My pastor preached on the story of Jacob and Esau last week at our church.
The Esau Syndrome is "Trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite"
If you're unfamiliar with the story of Esau and Jacob--long story short--the eldest son trades his inheritance for a bowl of stew, because he's hungry. In the same way, intimacy is a gift that is meant to be saved for covenant relationships, but is so quickly squandered when the desire comes up.
Typically, I don't like to use food and hunger as a parallel for sex and temptation...because we need to eat food to survive (we don't need sex). But I feel like this is a good mirror to the idea of waiting and understanding the weight of our decisions.
Esau becomes indifferent to his inheritance, and doesn't even realize at the moment the consequences of his mistake. Whereas, had he been more aware of the significance of his gift, he would not have given it away so easily. Similarly, we are indifferent to sex. We become callous and have read too many Murakami books to realize that sex is sacred and holy, so we give it away when the hunger comes...and we are slow to understand the gravity of what we our actions.
(You can find the podcast to this sermon here. It's #39, Birthright.)
5. Transforming the Waiting Room
Daniel and I wait eagerly for the protection of covenant to do some bow-chicka-wowwows, but that doesn't go to say that our relationship is hinged on just waiting all the time. How we are preparing now, is sowing the seeds to the kind of intimacy and marriage we will continue to develop.
It's kind of like being single. At first it kind of sucks and you pine for someone to be with. But, once you pass from loneliness into solitude, waiting for whoever it may be becomes joyful and fulfilling. The yearnings for it don't end, obviously, but it's transformed into something more beautiful. In your solitude, you prepare yourself for whoever it may or may not be on the other side. Because WHEN God provides the opportunity to join into a relationship with another person, you will not be a soul-sucking leach who needs attention all the time. But rather, a healthy individual who is confident by yourself and with Papa God.
The waiting stage changes then from a place of limbo or strife, to an environment conducive for worship, character-building and joy.
Daniel and I will never really be in this unique arena of abstinence once we get married, and fighting through it now will build the integrity and trust that we will need in the future. We are actively preparing for the intimacy before us, so when we get to open our gift, we will be able to view it in a God-glorifying way, and NOT as a performance-driven or selfish act.
Then, as we move from this waiting room to the next, we will know that our relationship isn't based on our ephemeral gratifications, but instead on building one another up in trust and in holiness.
Anyways, we still have a couple months to go until our wedding!
Thank you for praying for us and rooting for us. I know I barely touched on a lot of things, but I hope that this helps in your own journey, as it has helped in ours.
"...but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.
For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:13-14
Some sisters I meet up with tend to tell me that they relay my Tumblr blog to other friends who are struggling with temptations or physical boundaries in relationships. On the one hand, this sort of made me fear that I was being perceived as a horny corn dog...on the other, I'm realizing that there just isn't enough candid dialogue in the church about sex.
Which is a grave disappointment, because we excessively consume concepts of "intimacy" from music, movies, friends, magazines and books. Our culture spoon feeds us the idea that sex is casual and natural. It's what makes us 'human'. We've become indifferent to it, and then we begin to raise fingers to blame for the rape culture or child abuse.
Many times, as believers we stand aloof and shout abstinence-- acting as if we would never be a part of anything so crass. Waiting to have sex has now become easily equatable to the chalky sterile, unpainted walls of a waiting room at the dentist. We have completely forgotten or ignored the beauty and passion of intimacy with the Author of Love, Himself.
With that said, even if I fear that I'll seem like some sort of sex-crazed loonie, I think this is something we need to talk about.
Here are some thoughts that help me to sustain my heart to be satisfied by the King, and not by my desires.
1. Accountant mentality vs. Editor mentality
What if in our weekly meetings with our "accountability" partners, we stopped keeping one another accountable: "I will text you every 9pm to make sure that you guys are not touching each other or engaging in sexual activity"
What if instead, we helped one another see and become the men and women we are in God. Deal with the root of the issue.
"You guys are a God-glorifying relationship. What is it that you think is driving this sort of behavior?"
As an editor, you seek to help your sister/brother to write a story that best reflects who they are. (An idea I've adapted through discipleship at my church).
Daniel and I have been together for almost two years and have not had sex. (I know...right) This is not because we are holier than thou or exceptionally spiritual. It's because we have an army of editors in our lives who remind us constantly, "Hey, we're rooting for you guys. Keep fighting" or "There's this part of your story that doesn't sound like your voice...why do you think this is?"
We don't have numerous accountants who keep tabs on how late we're out or where our hands have wandered or how long we kiss. We have people who love us and affirm us in who we are as individuals, and as a team..for God and for His kingdom. That helps us to be honest and candid with our temptations, in front of God, and with our community. There is no shame, only grace.
2. Understanding that identity is in Christ
And not in the other person.
As a woman, I know what buttons to push on my man. I am ashamed to admit, that in moments of weakness, I push these buttons in order to elicit a response from him.
Prior to salvation, I used to employ this 'physical currency' to buy affection, adoration, and to feel beautiful. I used to buy into this lie that "When he lusts after me, I am beautiful/loved", therefore I would trade my body for feelings of worth. But of course, that feeds the cycle of feeling gross afterwards, feeling more worthless, and so on and so forth.
But, when my worth is in Christ, I find that it becomes less-appealing to treat Daniel this way. Because, I am assured in my identity as a Daughter. I see that Daniel is not some kind of object to pull worth from, but a cherished son of God. And vice versa. Daniel does not feel the need to assert his masculinity or feelings of control by using and disrespecting my body.
When I embrace that I am cherished by the King, then I can love others and respect them. I can respect myself and honor my heart and body as well.
3. Marriage is Fire
And relationships are for sanctification.
I feel like we tend to view relationships as a breeding ground for temptation and lust. I'm guilty of this too, in thinking about "I wonder if they've done it...." or "I wonder how they're fighting against temptation.." You do it too. I'm not a freak.
When instead, the basis of marriages and relationships is to sanctify one another. Paul commands husbands to "love your wives as Christ loved the church....that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
that she might be holy and without blemish." (Ephesians 5: 25).
What if our relationships looked more like this? Walking in holiness and love and grace. Cleansing one another through the washing of the Word... that one another would be holy and without blemish.
I get it though, it's a difficult fight. I completely understand. I remember my pastor said once, "I HOPE you're attracted to one another...if you weren't why would you be together...". Like I said, Daniel and I aren't completely innocent, we have our fair share of bruises and scrapes from stumbling and getting back up. But in it all, when we remember that our relationship isn't just for ourselves, but the glory of God...it helps to equip us in our pursuit even more.
My pastor Janette did a great sermon on holiness as well. You can find that here. ("Holy in the Flesh")
4. Avoiding the "Esau-Syndrome"
My pastor preached on the story of Jacob and Esau last week at our church.
The Esau Syndrome is "Trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite"
If you're unfamiliar with the story of Esau and Jacob--long story short--the eldest son trades his inheritance for a bowl of stew, because he's hungry. In the same way, intimacy is a gift that is meant to be saved for covenant relationships, but is so quickly squandered when the desire comes up.
Typically, I don't like to use food and hunger as a parallel for sex and temptation...because we need to eat food to survive (we don't need sex). But I feel like this is a good mirror to the idea of waiting and understanding the weight of our decisions.
Esau becomes indifferent to his inheritance, and doesn't even realize at the moment the consequences of his mistake. Whereas, had he been more aware of the significance of his gift, he would not have given it away so easily. Similarly, we are indifferent to sex. We become callous and have read too many Murakami books to realize that sex is sacred and holy, so we give it away when the hunger comes...and we are slow to understand the gravity of what we our actions.
(You can find the podcast to this sermon here. It's #39, Birthright.)
5. Transforming the Waiting Room
Daniel and I wait eagerly for the protection of covenant to do some bow-chicka-wowwows, but that doesn't go to say that our relationship is hinged on just waiting all the time. How we are preparing now, is sowing the seeds to the kind of intimacy and marriage we will continue to develop.
It's kind of like being single. At first it kind of sucks and you pine for someone to be with. But, once you pass from loneliness into solitude, waiting for whoever it may be becomes joyful and fulfilling. The yearnings for it don't end, obviously, but it's transformed into something more beautiful. In your solitude, you prepare yourself for whoever it may or may not be on the other side. Because WHEN God provides the opportunity to join into a relationship with another person, you will not be a soul-sucking leach who needs attention all the time. But rather, a healthy individual who is confident by yourself and with Papa God.
The waiting stage changes then from a place of limbo or strife, to an environment conducive for worship, character-building and joy.
Daniel and I will never really be in this unique arena of abstinence once we get married, and fighting through it now will build the integrity and trust that we will need in the future. We are actively preparing for the intimacy before us, so when we get to open our gift, we will be able to view it in a God-glorifying way, and NOT as a performance-driven or selfish act.
Then, as we move from this waiting room to the next, we will know that our relationship isn't based on our ephemeral gratifications, but instead on building one another up in trust and in holiness.
Anyways, we still have a couple months to go until our wedding!
Thank you for praying for us and rooting for us. I know I barely touched on a lot of things, but I hope that this helps in your own journey, as it has helped in ours.
"...but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness.
For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:13-14
So so good...thank you. I am currently in the character building dept of solitude. Finally at the point in which I am happy to wait patiently on God to bring whomever into my life in His time. I often wonder how it will be in the future, to work at abstinence....as that is the desire of my heart from here on out. Thank you for sharing your perspective and journey.
ReplyDeleteWow, Heidi..I found your blog today and I am absolutely blown away at how much of your words hit home. Thank you so much for being so bare and candid..characteristically so hard to find such writers these days. Your love for Our Father is so tangible and so real. What a blessing it is to read about how he is working in your life!!
ReplyDelete